Rude Stories

Product Information

Mind you I paid extra attention to his table because he’s the owner. After telling him that he needed to be a little more patient because I was the only server and it was very busy he said that if he was a paying customer he’d make me pay for the meal and then said something like he couldn’t believe I could tie my shoes in the morning considering how bad I was at serving. I told him to fire me then and he balked. I worked there for another year without a word from him. 8. WTF is it with some customers? From what I understand about child birth, it changes you ‘downstairs’. I like my downstairs the way it is thank you very much. I certainly don’t need an extension.” – Sarah Millican Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex and men need to have sex to feel loved, so the basic act of continuing the species requires a lie from one of you.” – Billy Connolly Well YOU kept me waiting, so I decided to keep YOU waiting. Not very nice, is it?” complete with infuriatingly smug smile, and this is coming from my co-worker, who is perhaps the most patient and sweetest person I know. If they’re making cakes for divorces, why not ‘Happy Menopause!’ ‘Mmm, it’s a bit dry. Why is there no jam? Have you run out of eggs?’ – Russell Howard

Looking at my penis, I find it endlessly fascinating. It’s 46 years old, my penis. 46! It’s older than the Sydney Opera House, my penis!” – Rhod Gilbert Double Screwdriver did not say one word for the rest of the meal, and he did not take another bite of his sandwich. He just stared at it, horrified. He knew. There was nothing he could do to prove it or even make the accusation. But he knew. Wen I went around to offer boxes for leftovers, his dad wondered why he didn’t want one. “You sure?” “NO THANK YOU!” Lol. If you’ve been searching for some short funny stories for adults then here are five that will raise a smile, I’m sure. Craziest thing ever was tearing my foreskin during sexual intercourse and not knowing which of us was bleeding after climax as the pleasure masked the pain for about 10 seconds. He's against vaxinations, because he thinks everything in the world is a government conspiracy and he's also a nature freak who believes in homeopathy. He believes clay has a lot of almost supernatural healing qualities. When he lived in Denmark he and his wife couldn't enroll their son in kindergarten unless he had some basic vaccinations because that's the law.

Browse New Jokes:

Picture: Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk) The one whose experience happened during a time of alcoholism… I am a waiter in a restaurant in a town in Spain that gets a few tourists. Our restaurant is in a small alleyway (medieval town = lots of thin alleyways!) with al-fresco dining running its length. Lost my friend of 30 years over this: He brings a woman over for a small get-together. She encourages my pregnant wife to drink, asks our friend if she's bisexual (she's not). She comes into the kitchen, grabs knives and pretends to stab everyone while doing knife katas. I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either. Now that she mentions it, her two sons (I’m guessing around fourteen to fifteen) do seem to be enjoying the view.

At the end of the day, no matter who you invite over—your closest friends, beloved family members, or new acquaintances—you have to feel comfortable with what’s going on in your home. That means enforcing certain boundaries if someone hasn’t got a drop of common sense and oversteps politeness by leaps and bounds. I worked at a private club, once. One guy, in his mid-20s, came in with the rest of his family-about 10 people. Despite his young age, he was obviously taking up alcoholism as a hobby and he wasn’t a nice drunk, either. In fact, I’d waited on him previously, and he was a pretty insufferable piece of shit. I’ve only been a server for all of two months, but a couple weeks ago I had a table of two couples who looked to be on a double date. The entire evening they seemed very satisfied with the service and the food commenting several times on what a great job I was doing (I had mentioned when I first welcomed them that I was brand new and this was my very first job, so please bear with me on this busy Saturday night) With so many brilliantly funny Horrid Henrystories out there, it's easy for children to get hooked. Now we have ideas about What to Read After Horrid Henry - and we want your thoughts too!Naturally, she’s keen to apply all the techniques she’s learned in her teacher training, and in particular, she’s keen to use what she’s learned in her psychology class. A man’s home is part of what people initially use to judge his social status and character. However, how he behaves and acts with the people who come over to his place says so much more about him," the expert told Bored Panda.