Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

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Not every workplace conflict can be solved by boundary-setting. If your workplace includes toxic behaviors such as sexual harassment or wage theft, and those behaviors continue even after you communicate your boundaries, you may need to take other actions. Specifically, Tawwab advises that you document misbehavior, reach out to human resources and management (if they’re sympathetic), and consider finding a new job if necessary. Yes. My biggest one is safety. So there are times in life where relationships are just unsafe. Sometimes physically, I've talked to adults who are being physically hit by their parents when they do something.

And then when we finally set the boundary, the person is so offended because you’ve allowed them to do this thing forever. And now it seems like you're making this swift change when in actuality you've been upset for seven years. They just didn't know it. Also, your boundaries can shift over time, right? You are listening to How to Be a Better Human. I'm your host, Chris Duffy. Here's an embarrassing fact about me, and this feels like the perfect time to share it. I am very, very bad at setting boundaries. If you ask me to make time for a five-minute phone call and then you speak for two hours, I will probably not say anything to object, even if I have somewhere else to be. Because of this, Tawwab argues that you should always speak up when your needs aren’t being met in your close relationships. Speaking up immediately when your loved ones make you uncomfortable allows them to learn from the mistake and prevents resentment from forming. Ever feel a book rambles on, giving anecdotes that aren't useful? Often get frustrated by an author who doesn't get to the point? When we're worried, our brain goes to the worst-case scenario. All of these terrible things could happen, and it's like there is no other possibility. Lots of people have their own moment of saying, “I'm tired of doing this.”Mental health issues such as anxiety can be prompted by our neurological response to stress. When we are stressed, our brain has difficulty shutting down. Our sleep is affected. Dread sets in. As a therapist, I observe poor self-care, feelings of being overwhelmed, resentment, avoidance, and other mental health issues as common presentations of boundary issues. Tawwab recommends that you take time to rest and let difficult emotions settle after communicating boundaries. It’s important to give yourself a break after setting boundaries because communicating boundaries can be difficult and uncomfortable, especially if you’re new to it. Taking time to eat a comforting meal, read a book, or chat with a friend are all things that can help you decompress after setting boundaries. That's a situation where that's domestic violence. You know, should you be in a relationship where you are physically unsafe? Should you be in a relationship where you are being verbally abused? Those are questions that a person has to answer for themselves. You know, there are times when people are not ready to leave a relationship, and I don't support leaving before you're ready. Shortform note: If you’re struggling to decide whether to remove someone from your life, experts recommend considering whether interacting with someone makes you happy. If interacting with someone consistently leaves you feeling unhappy and uncomfortable, it’s probably not worth continuing the relationship.)

There are certainly communities where boundaries are discouraged because of the enmeshment, the cultural enmeshment in the family. Like you wanna carry forth certain traditions.

If a friend is asking for more support than you can give, it’s best for the relationship if you speak up immediately. While setting boundaries with friends can lead to feelings of guilt, in the long run, the relationship will be better off for it. By speaking up and setting boundaries, you enable the other person to be a better friend to you. According to Tawwab, it’s normal to experience difficulty setting boundaries with your loved ones. Because your loved ones have probably known you for quite a while, they’ve likely become attached to routine ways of interacting with you. When you try to change these longstanding routines, loved ones often struggle to adjust, as they may fear that your new boundaries will create distance in the relationship. As a result of this uneasiness, it may take them some time to adjust to your new boundaries. Today we're talking with the author and therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab about how to set healthy boundaries and communicate clearly about the way you want to be treated.